Fear #2

Hey guys, ready for another fear of mine? You better be ready, cause this one I am not particularly happy about and I have a few stories that go along with it. So if you're not ready then you better get ready because you're in for a long haul.

Spiders. Yeah, you guys understand this one don't you. And if you don't, you have balls of steel. You may not want to tell people this because they'll be like, "You must have balls of steel!" and then they'll test it before you can reply that metaphorically yes, but literally your testicles (if you're male) or lackthereof (if you are female... or a eunich) are not metallic in anyway. And that will hurt, and you will cry, testicles or not. Cause that's an area you just don't want kicked.

What was I talking about again?

Oh. Right. Spiders. Fuck dem bitches.

Anyways, so spiders are creepy little buggers. I mean they have an unnecessary number of appendages and they have those mandible/pincer things on top of that. And they're hairy. I'm not a big fan of hair. On men, on women, on small or large bugs. I just don't dig it.

But here's the thing about spiders. They always show up when you are not expecting it. They're on the mirror when you go to the bathroom, on the shower curtain, on your bed, on your wall, RIGHT FUCKING BESIDE YOU. They just appear right where  they just were not. With no  warning. They just sit there and you're like, "HOLY FUCKING JESUS BABY ON A FUCKING STICK!" and you die a little inside and you run away crying. Or at least that's how it works for me.

I didsay I have a few stories that go along with this and I should probably mention. I just do not do well with spiders. I get way too freaked out by them.

So there was one time (most recently) I went to  the bathroom to do my business. I turn on the light I walk in and I'm about to take off my pants when I look up and realize there is a goddamn spider on the mirror.

I pull my pants back up, casually back out of the room without taking my eyes off of it and then quickly approached my brother about doing something about it before running off to a different bathroom to do my business. Now my brother refused to do something about it, so I was really concerned when I went back to the bathroom a little while later and could not find it. This is what spiders do. They just disappear if you don't kill them and then you start to feel like they're crawling all over you and OH GOD I CAN FEEL THEM NOW I DO NOT LIKE THIS MAKE IT STOP THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.

So what did I do about the missing spider? I did not use that bathroom for a few days. Sure it's the most convenient but I WILL NOT SHARE A BATHROOM WITH A GODDAMN SPIDER.

NEW ANECDOTE! I don't waste time with transitions. So there was another time I was in my room and I was lying on my bed minding my own business being awesome and not bothering anybody. I look up and on my wall was a huge goddamn spider. So how did I deal with it? I beat it with a styrofoam pirate sword that was lying about nearby.

Yes. I have one for emergencies such as this. Also, I like pretending I am a pirate.

Well, when I was attempting to wail on the goddamn thing, it fell on my bed and I just started to wail on my bed for a bit but I could not find it ever again. So what did I do?

I slept in the family room. Like a sane person would.

Cause I do not want spiders near my persons. Ever. YOU GOT THAT?

EDIT: Okay, so I wrote this before leaving on my trip to Bali. However I am back, and now I have another anecdote to add to this.

So it's our second night in Bali. We endured a long drive up a mountain and arrived at a little mountaintop paradise of a hotel. So we eagerly explore our villas and the hotel and are pretty pleased with what we find. So we head off to dinner full of joy and wonder. There were four of us girls in our room. So two of us were ahead, while another lagged behind with me talking of maybe hitting up the bar after a quick nap. However, the night had other plans for us.

We entered our villa to hear concerned and startled voices from the bathroom. All I really heard was "Oh my God..." and something about a towel. So I was kind of expecting a big gashing wound that was bleeding profusely all over the bathroom when we dashed in. Something much worse had happened.

Now I'm going to stop here for a moment. Look at your palm. Go ahead, take a look. Don't worry, I'm off in the land of the Internet so I can't use it to smack you in the face. Are you looking at your palm? Now imagine a fat hairy spider spanning the width of your palm.

Yeah. I know. Holy fuck.

That was in our bathroom. Just chilling on the floor like the fucker owned the place. So what did I do? I ran out of the room and let the other girls deal with it like brave warriors while I shouted words of encouragement and "DID YOU GET IT YET?" from the safety  of another room.

Fortunately, the bravest of us cornered the great Balinese Mountain Spider (it's a fitting name, I assure you) in the shower and took it down with agility and a book (books save lives yo). Thus, we skipped the shower that night and I got no sleep wondering if there were more spiders looking in the dark corners of the room.

I'm happy to announce I awoke with no furry arachnids on my person the next morning.